Saturday, May 31, 2008

Almost.

I would normally apologize for being so absent, here, in this little space of mine. I'd catch you up on my goings-on, maybe actually post those old writings I promised forever ago. But I can't tonight.

In fact I can't really write much of anything. I've been trying all afternoon and night to figure out how to articulate what happened today, but I'm at a loss. It's important that I put this down on paper, so to speak; important that my fellow dancers hear this thing that happened, or didn't, or whatever it was.

So, as plainly as I can: I got drugged today.

Most likely GHB. I want to say immediately that I made it out of there, that I'm safe, that nothing happened. I was not raped or left for dead.

I don't have the energy tonight to explain the exact circumstances. Maybe I will tomorrow, when I'm hanging out with Gramma, helping her make birthday cards for my cousins. I'll try. I know putting words to how I feel might make it less scary. Because that's how it feels right now. Like I was in a really horrifying situation, and I got out of it and it's almost like it didn't happen. But it did and now I feel angry and vulnerable and honestly I don't even know what I'm feeling other than exhausted and by myself. God, I could really use someone to tell me I'm okay, that it's not my fault, even though it might have been. And really. Of course I'm okay. Nothing happened. 

It's the 'almost' that's fucking with my head.  It's knowing how easily my life could now be unrecognizable.

I really do need to try to get some sleep. 

Fellow dancer-blogger friends of mine: I know I'm not writing, but I read you all often, and I think about the different ways you inhabit the world. Be safe and happy.